Summer Clutter

Yesterday, 30th of May 2010, was the official end of Summer 2010 for me. No more workshops to think about. Recitals are done. The heat will soon fade away as the rain comes pouring down.

So here I am trying to gather my thoughts, hoping to make sense by the end of this entry.

I am overwhelmed by the many things that has happened, not only this summer, but from the beginning of this year. I can only blame myself for everything. It was me who declared at the beginning of the year that 2010 is the year for 2000 X - two thousand controversies.

Tonight, I gathered all papers from all my classes and placed them in an envelope. I haven't sorted them out yet, but putting them away marks the end of the summer for me and moving on to the rest of the year that is certain but still surrounded by uncertainty. Perhaps, putting away the summer clutter marks the end of a chapter in my life that was surely filled with uncertainty, with vagueness.

I am drifting away. I am drifting away from my family, from my friends, from the people that are important to me. I need an anchor. I need an anchor to stop me from drifting to the unknown.

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Written two years ago, with no one in mind (or so I want to think)

Shattered spirit

Tortured soul

Crying heart

Don't let me go

You walk away

Now I am all alone

You remain deaf

Despite my calls

I scream and shout

You stop and stare

You don't look back

at my grieving state

As you leave me now

My heart will say

"Don't let me go"

-3:30pm

3 Feb 2008

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Because Eisa has the right words for me:

you can be risk taking outside but inside your head its perfectly calm and you know exactly where you are and what you want

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I really feel I am drifting away.