Conscious means of the Subconscious

When I was in third year high school, there was this one time in Acting 2 Class where Mam Shamaine gave a lecture on Stanislavski. She read excerpts from a book he wrote. I remember falling asleep in the middle of the class. It was a cold afternoon, a perfect time for a nap.  Of course, she noticed most of us were not paying attention. So she gave us a reading assignment on "Conscious means of the Subconscious". She also told us to be prepared for a quiz on our next meeting.

For one week, me and my batchmates discussed this topic like we were experts. We would even try to explain this to other classmates of different majors. At malaking hello, ano ba naman pakialam ng VA sa conscious means of the subconscious ek ek. Then they would stare at us blankly, pretend to be interested and continue doodling.

I remember Roselyn and I made a diagram about it.

The day of the quiz, Mam Shamaine had one question for us.

Explain "Conscious means the Subconscious".

I was stumped. Guilt for sleeping in class took over. I realized that I really didn't understand this principle that well. So I tried to bluff my way through the whole quiz and I even drew the diagram Rose and I formulated.

When the results came, most of us didn't do well. The diagram didn't help my grade. Hahaha. I can't remember what happened after that quiz, but I do remember that we had acting exercises practicing this principle. That year, I pushed myself to go beyond the mediocre student that I was. Then I got the role Lady Chambermaid for Ondine, which to me was my "break-through role".



I don't really know what is the point of me telling this story. But this whole "conscious means to the subconscious" has been replaying in my head since the weekend.

When I think about everything that has happened to me for the past few days, I feel the need to cry. But I can't. I just can't.

And now I won't force myself.
Shit has happened. It really sucks. But I am okay. And I don't mind being okay about it. I don't mind being able to talk about that whole shitful episode of my life smiling and laughing all through out. I guess I am too consciously happy that it has made my subconscious happy as well. Whatever that means.

Sayang nga lang. Ilang beses ko pa namang napanaginipan kung anong pwedeng mangyari. Pero hindi na. Hindi bale na lang. Sayang talaga.

Para sa iyo, pakasaya ka sa buhay mo. Dahil ako masaya. Mag-isa man ako, masaya ako at wala akong niloloko o binobola.