Eternal Sunshine Final Scene

When "okay" is the best answer

Summer Clutter

Yesterday, 30th of May 2010, was the official end of Summer 2010 for me. No more workshops to think about. Recitals are done. The heat will soon fade away as the rain comes pouring down.

So here I am trying to gather my thoughts, hoping to make sense by the end of this entry.

I am overwhelmed by the many things that has happened, not only this summer, but from the beginning of this year. I can only blame myself for everything. It was me who declared at the beginning of the year that 2010 is the year for 2000 X - two thousand controversies.

Tonight, I gathered all papers from all my classes and placed them in an envelope. I haven't sorted them out yet, but putting them away marks the end of the summer for me and moving on to the rest of the year that is certain but still surrounded by uncertainty. Perhaps, putting away the summer clutter marks the end of a chapter in my life that was surely filled with uncertainty, with vagueness.

I am drifting away. I am drifting away from my family, from my friends, from the people that are important to me. I need an anchor. I need an anchor to stop me from drifting to the unknown.

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Written two years ago, with no one in mind (or so I want to think)

Shattered spirit

Tortured soul

Crying heart

Don't let me go

You walk away

Now I am all alone

You remain deaf

Despite my calls

I scream and shout

You stop and stare

You don't look back

at my grieving state

As you leave me now

My heart will say

"Don't let me go"

-3:30pm

3 Feb 2008

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Because Eisa has the right words for me:

you can be risk taking outside but inside your head its perfectly calm and you know exactly where you are and what you want

-------

I really feel I am drifting away.

Looking Back

A lot of things could happen overnight. Seriously. In a span of two days, a closed chapter suddenly became hopeful then totally erased by an almost forgotten past.

It was simple in a sense but as complicated as can be. The actions done were simple: talking, drinking, laughing, holding hands, hugging, clarifying things, understanding what has happened, bluntly telling the other what has happened. The intertwining relationships were complicated.

In less than 5 minutes, after a few words were said, everything became less complicated.

There.

But one afternoon, another simple appeal made everything complicated again. Still, I stand by my decision and stick to my choice. I will not allow such complications to affect me again. No. No. NO!

I read emails sent and received more than a year ago, trying to understand the unspoken definition that you assumed. I am not that smart after all. I did not know that you saw me that way, I did not understand why you treated me so special.

The overdue "sorry", the miscommunication, the misread coldness, the delayed talk all came one night unexpectedly. How much everything was missed, no words could describe. Perhaps, thousands of "could have been", "should have been", "would have been" came running through our heads.

Here we are now. This time, I will not pretend and hide.

Wala nang panahon para magsayang pa ng oras. Heto na, ituloy na natin ng walang pag-aalinlangan.

Tatalon ako, sasama ka?  

Just when everything seems to be simple, it gets complicated

So yeah. Now that I think about things a lot, I thought everything would be simple. But the thing is, I start to listen and see things is a bigger perspective. I have realized that I am more open when I think, hoping I won't miss an important detail. 

Hindi ganun kasimple ang lahat. Dahil marami akong hindi maiintindihan at hindi masagot. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko sisimulan.

On a random note, the other day, when I got out of the bathroom, our cats were having sexy time on my bed. MY BED. Yep, the cats blessed my bed in an unholy way. When I shooed them away, they got mad at me. HUWAT!! It's my bed!!

Ayun lang.

I'm here, right here

So this is how it feels to be thinking again. Ang sarap. I haven't felt like this for a long time.

At first, it almost made me crazy, thinking of all the possibilities, of all the reasons why I did it, why I shouldn't have, why I started it. Why. Why. Why.

I'm over that phase. For now. I am pretty sure that anytime, I'll be back thinking about it again. But for now, I have been thinking of other things, of lost friends, of past relationships, of almost lovers, of other possibilities.

I am happy at the moment that I have the luxury to think of other things and not some stupid shit that I have thought of over and over again or other stupid shit that I should have thought of before.

Perhaps, I had enough sleep. Maybe because I spent that past two days almost not doing anything. I'm not sure what the real reason is. Quizas. Quizas. Quizas.

I feel like me. I feel free. I feel I am not depriving myself of something I know should be doing. I am thinking again. Even petty things, I think about it. As simple as buying fries for someone who can't convince me, I think about it. Because this is how I am. THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. The past five months was not totally me.

I feel that I am back in my real realm. I am back.

Maghanda na kayo dahil walang tigil na naman akong magsasalita tungkol sa mga naiisip ko. Walang tigil na naman akong mag-iisip mula sa mga pinakasimpleng bagay hanggang sa pinakakomplikadong sitwasyon sa mundong ibabaw.

Ganito talaga ako. Matagal na akong ganito.

After 5 months

For 5 months, I stopped thinking, afraid that I might see all the flaws of the situation that I was in. For 5 months, I stopped writing, afraid that I might over share and reveal the secret that I have been hiding.

After 5 months, I started thinking again because I could not help it. After 5 months, I am writing again because it is my way of healing.

It is the end.

The unexplained happiness is over. Everything has been explained. I find it funny that it still hurts no matter how hard I have thought about it and expected all the possible endings. It hurts so hard that I need to find myself again, to think about myself again.

I just cannot stop thinking of it. I could not help myself to not think about it. It must be because of the people that are truly precious in my life are the ones that I think of a lot. I think because I am afraid to do them wrong, I am afraid of hurting them, I am afraid.

It is the end.

It is the end and it wasn't easy. 

Back to zero. Back from the beginning.

 

Why I don't write here... for now

Ever since 2010 came, a lot has happened. A lot of unexpected things came tumbling after, falalalalala.

Not that I loathe them. I actually like most that has happened. I just trying to keep these moments to myself. And many of the things that have happened are too sensitive to be discussed with the great public.

In short, I am afraid I might over share. Spill secrets that are meant to be kept. And so, I write with my good old pen and notebook.